Saturday, March 19, 2011

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Some things in life are such a joke.  How is this my fault?  How are you going to sit back and judge me for his mistakes?  I didn't force him down that road.  I TRIED to save him.  But sometimes people don't want saved.  They think its fine and that they are fine.  Things like that end lives, tear up families, and break up marriages.  I gave chances out for free.  I gave more than I should have more than most would have, only to have them thrown back in my face.  I am doing what is right for my children.  They are my priority.  They are my reason for being.  Without them I am nothing.  They are my life!!

Maybe one day I will meet someone with the same priorities but I'm not looking.  I  am just planning on surviving the coming months with my sanity in tact and a smile on my face.  I am all cried out.  There are no more tears wasted on someone with so little remorse for his actions.  He is only sorry he got caught. Of that I am sure. 

I wish I could go back and change the events of life.  But to change one small thing is to change everything I hold dear today and I am not willing to give up what matters most to me.  I know that for some who will read this you may not understand. this is def. not my best writing.  But with that said I am writing while it comes to me screw grammar!!  Next time I will do better.

Monday, August 23, 2010

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers."

     Tomorrow is the start of a new school year for the girls.  Part of me is jumping for joy that I get a break.  The other part of me sees the end of our lazy quiet summer. 

     Rebecca is in the 4th grade.  I am proud of my bobble.  She is in the gifted and talented program at school.  She was a few points shy of getting a perfect score on her OAA's.  She will definitely be smarter than me one day.  She is excited and ready for tomorrow.  She even told me that she will be nice and make friends.  She decided last year that she didn't want any friends.  She said that everyone leaves her.  And since Moo will leave her one day she figured she wouldn't give people the chance.  We told her that Megan wouldn't want her sitting on the sidelines watching the other children have fun together.  That Megan would want her to join in on the fun just as she joins in on the fun.  So keeping our fingers crossed.

     Megan is going in to 2nd grade.  She's ready as ever.  She was looking for her best friend Kayla's name on the desks but she didn't see it.  But what she did see was another little girl with the name Megan.  She said "Look Mommy!  I can already spell her name right!"  Too cute!  This year may prove to be challenging for her.  It's going to get harder. The teachers are already aware that I may have her only go half days so that she doesn't get to overwhelmed.  She tries her best and that's all I ask.  I think she enjoys school just so she can socialize.  She is definitely my social butterfly.

     So as of 8:07am tomorrow it will be just me and Lily.  No more fighting over silly things during breakfast.  No more arguing over who gets to watch what or who has been on the computer to long.  Just the peaceful quiet of the dogs breathing and my cell phone going off to keep me company.  BOY WILL I BE BORED!!

     No matter how crazy the make me, no matter how many times I say you're driving me nuts.  I love them.  I love them for who they are, how they act and look forward to seeing who they become.

Love to all,


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Life 06/14/10

I think some days I may be going crazy. Sometimes my vision seems clouded and hazy. Other days things seem to fall right into place Those days nothing or no one can rip the smile off my face. I often wonder where I would be if i didnt have him and he didnt have me what direction would I Be facing if I had taken the other path Would I still experience heartache would I still be able to laugh its amazing all the things I having going on in my life I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, a friend, a mother, a wife When do I get to be the person thats bottled deep inside the dreamer the writer the girl with all the pride Where is she now what direction has she taken Is she happy with my decisions and all I have forsaken I'm not sure I am proud of all my mistakes All the hurts I have caused all the promises I've had to break Not by choice mind you its not im my nature to inflict pain But sometimes life is a gamble and it can drive you insane I have to watch my baby die a slow and painful death unnaturally I get to be there when she takes her final breath I'm not sure where life got jumbled in to one big crazy ball I look back on the memories I have hanging down the hall I love my children dearly equally just the same And my heart still skips a beat everytime I hear Momma as my name I got married young maybe to young some might say But I still see the love in his that I saw that Febuary day We've had our share of hardships and battles to overcome All the while my head said caution my heart told me not to run I love him for his imperfections, I love him with my entire soul He loves me as I love him without any self control In his eyes I can be myself a crazy wild girl Who loves her family dearly more than anything else in this world But despite all that I'm melancholy for things I can't explain I long to see the Rembrandt in Holland and to run with the bulls in Spain There is this other world out there just waiting to be explored Sometimes it feels like I have to settle for always wanting more I know the grass isnt always greener in Ireland or Greece But those are the dreams of the girl in me and I don't want those dreams to cease
to be continued...LG

Happiness 05/09/10

Looking back over the years I have to admit I've made some horrendous mistakes. Despite those mistakes I have turned those mistakes around and turned them into something good great even. I thought after Highschool I would go to an awesome 4 yr college and from there to med school. That I would live in a big city practice medicine in a prominent hospital. Eventually meet and marry the man of my dreams and maybe have kids but more likely have a dog instead. That I would live in a loft style apartment and vacation abroad. Those were my goals those were my hopes and dreams. Boy am I a far cry from that. I waited to go to school but I still went and ended up not as a physician but as an assitant. Yes I live in a big city but I've also lived in the country. In many different states. I do have a dog but I also have two great amazing kids! I am married to the man of my dreams but life with him has not been easy. No one ever said it would have been easy. So you see, with each decision we make it affects our entire future. Life is hard very hard but it is also very rewarding. I would walk to hell and back for my family. I would go thru everything all over again just to live the same life and the same outcome. I believe each day is a challenge and its up to us to accept those challenges. What path we choose is up to us no matter how difficult that decision is for us. So to whoever is reading this. I am not perfect nor is my life but my life is perfect for me and I wouldn't have it any other way! PS- ON FEB 8, 2012 I WILL BE GETTING REMARRIED, MATT ASKED AND I SAID YES! SO HERES TO LOVE, LIFE, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN, FAMILY, EARNING A DECENT LIVING, HAVING A PLACE TO CALL HOME, A WONDERFUL PUPPY DOG, AND SOME INCREDIBLY AWESOME FRIENDS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH!!!!!

I love laughing so thanks 04/18/10

To all my friends who make me laugh this is for you. To the besties in my life who have seen me do the stop it or I'm gonna pee dance this is for you.....Thank you for the laughs without you I would've lost my smile. Thank you for the giggles late at night and for NOT curing the insomnia because the giggles woke me up. (Natalie) Thank you for sledding with me on hardly any snow with a tub lid and then just pushing me down the hill cuz I needed a swift kick in the ass to get me going (shannon & alicia) Oh yea I taste shit (s&a again) Thank you for pushing me into the nastiest pond in the world with my mouth open (matt & justin) (ps hey Nat I still think they wanted us to shower together) I still laugh just on the memories. HEY "T"onya thanks for the pictures of matt snuggled up with hanna montana I blew it up and it's got a girly frame I laugh everytime I see it hehe Oh yeah and everytime I see you I laugh cause you married John and there ain't nothing you can do to make me not laugh at him. Jamie well girl I laugh at Mr Mom Jr after he took the happy pills and at the waterslide, the mudslides, and camping trip where Lily tried to commit suicide. Shanna I laugh at Gold Star and you laugh cause you didnt stop me from dating Shaun Kirby lol Manda I laugh at using my fake nails for...... thats all I'm saying. Nellie ah Nellie the things we've laughed at. My dad's Jack Daniels, "Hanna there's a train coming" matt's ass, your ass, but never my ass nope always my chichis lol My list could go on and on But I'm gonna stop here cuz its getting hard to laugh and type love 2 you all.......muah&hugs,LG

My Love 01/10/10

Each day is a challenge, to keep my heart open wide, an obstacle to over come, to keep the dreams alive. A long time ago I met you, a long time ago I gave you my heart but here recently I've forgotten to keep the past and the present apart. There are things I would do over, and there are things I wish I could change but loving you is a part of me something that fate prearranged. Next month is something special, next month marks the time, that I became forever yours, and you became forever mine. I have never felt this excited to make it to this milestone, our lives have changed so much yet we've managed to not permanently break up our home. We are stronger than we've ever been and yes maybe slightly crazed but no one can stop what we feel towards eachother not even some 7 yr phase. So in two years time we'll walk the path we both chose to walk before and and all I can say is I love you Baby and you'll never love me more ~LG~


These past few weeks have been so incredibly heart breaking! It makes you question what the Hell the purpose is for trying! Why fight? Why not just throw in the towel? Everybody else has given up on these children except their families and friends. The government won't award grant or research money. The doctors say it will be at least a decade maybe more til they are even remotely close to finding treatment to extend the life of these children for a few more years. There have been to many innocent lives lost to this battle. A battle their poor bodies never had a chance in hell of defeating. We as parents haven't given up or stopped holding out for hope, so why has everyone else? IT'S NOT FAIR! NOT AT ALL! I don't want to lose my child. She is supposed to grow up, get married, start a family! It's heart breaking to hear her say "I wish I could be a teenager" and tell her she will while fully aware that this will never happen. Why is this happening? The girls Pediatrician said that Matt and I need to sit Rebecca down and tell her what will happen with Megan. How do we do that? How do you tell your 8 yr old that her baby sister will die one day far earlier than she should? How do you protect your child from the worst possible thing ever when you have no clue how to protect yourself? Do you freeze your heart so there's no pain? Do you have a tap to turn off the tears? I don't want to "prepare" my Abecca for her sisters passing! Her parents aren't prepared! Is there a manual or a check list to follow, to guide you? So you don't hurt your child anymore than she's going to be hurting? This is devastating! Matt and < thought that as long as Moo didn't get really sick we were in the clear. But no, apparently she can take a turn for the worse from a simple cold? She can't have flu vacc. because her immune system is shot! Do you put them in a BUBBLE? God I beg of you, please help my babies, please help my family! We need a miracle cure because the band-aids don't or won't work anymore! Momma's love and kisses can't make this boo-boo go away for either of my girls! PLEASE WATCH OVER THEM AND PROTECT THEM! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU