If you were really honest with yourself you would realize like I have that it is okay to hate something that you can't change and even God will forgive you for it.
I hate this disease and what it can do i wish id never even heard of ml 2 what happens to our babies what this disease does takes our laughter away takes away our loves when you have a child who is free of disease you think of all the possibilities of what they may one day be but then you find out something went horribly wrong and your healthy lil angel is no longer strong who do you find to take the blame how do you find the master of this sick selfish game for there are no do overs no rerolling of the dice so how do you pretend everything is great in your life i wish there was a magic wand to take ml away to erase it from my memory a word that ive never learned to say (unfinished) Grace
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=4#ixzz0wGTQPYjt
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Its my life Dad Written October 26 2009
Sometimes you can't always be Daddy's Little Girl
My life is my business please mind your own My family is everything to me and so is my home I am a grown woman Im no longer a girl Ive grown up and went out and made a new world I never thought I could hate you but Ive come pretty close you decided to leave us when we needed you most you made your choice now lie in your bed I hope shes that perfect person youve formed in your head you abandoned your children though emotionly youve always been gone yet you sit there and judge me like taking care of my family is so wrongyou blame my husband for ruining my life sorry hes not more like your so called perfect lil wife if your the definition of a father then webster surely got it wrong becuz a TRUE father stands up for you tall and strong gas money to see your grandkids ten minutes down the road thats a bunch of bull shit but drive to dayton for a joy ride gimme a break Dad you havent seen Hanna since June or her kids since May whatcha got to say to that Nothing becuz then that wovld mean you would have to show emotion I hope for Buffs sake you never do to her what you did and continue to do to her sisters its your loss my girls have a GREAT POPPEE to take your place and that is NOONES fault but your own Im sorry its this way but you choose to believe a habitual liar over my word to you Ive NEVER lied to you before why would I start now so Peace Out Dad the woods in your hand build the bridge back by yovr DAMN self you had no problem burning it by yourself and if you find yourself worn and tired have her help you cuz Im DONE CYOTF Grace
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=4#ixzz0wGSuZ6vC
My life is my business please mind your own My family is everything to me and so is my home I am a grown woman Im no longer a girl Ive grown up and went out and made a new world I never thought I could hate you but Ive come pretty close you decided to leave us when we needed you most you made your choice now lie in your bed I hope shes that perfect person youve formed in your head you abandoned your children though emotionly youve always been gone yet you sit there and judge me like taking care of my family is so wrongyou blame my husband for ruining my life sorry hes not more like your so called perfect lil wife if your the definition of a father then webster surely got it wrong becuz a TRUE father stands up for you tall and strong gas money to see your grandkids ten minutes down the road thats a bunch of bull shit but drive to dayton for a joy ride gimme a break Dad you havent seen Hanna since June or her kids since May whatcha got to say to that Nothing becuz then that wovld mean you would have to show emotion I hope for Buffs sake you never do to her what you did and continue to do to her sisters its your loss my girls have a GREAT POPPEE to take your place and that is NOONES fault but your own Im sorry its this way but you choose to believe a habitual liar over my word to you Ive NEVER lied to you before why would I start now so Peace Out Dad the woods in your hand build the bridge back by yovr DAMN self you had no problem burning it by yourself and if you find yourself worn and tired have her help you cuz Im DONE CYOTF Grace
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=4#ixzz0wGSuZ6vC
Your Making Us Laugh Written October 24 2009
Laughter sounds the same in any language
People are amusing lol They believe shit that isnt true They think they know the every aspect of my marriage but they only hear what they want to hear even though their sources are slutty drug addicted liars. So once and for all let me set u straight. We get along great hell we dont even argue we have no secrets I know EVERYTHING! Its time for everyone to grow up n move on we have so u all need 2 leave it alone maybe u all luv livin in DRAMAVILLE but we like our quiet serenity so just give it up u are just amusing us and makin complete n total dumb shits out of yourselves those who are our TRUE friends and family know us best they see us as we are two imperfect people who love each other who make mistakes who laugh cry smile and hurt we do our best for our kids and each other even when others try to hinder our actions We dont give up or give in we grow up and go on those that see that and support that are the IMPORTANT ones everyone else are just like flies slightly annoying but otherwise unimportant and easily squashed so like I stated earlier if u arent true to us u truly dont exist to us MUAH XOXO LISSA
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=4#ixzz0wGSYAxUr
People are amusing lol They believe shit that isnt true They think they know the every aspect of my marriage but they only hear what they want to hear even though their sources are slutty drug addicted liars. So once and for all let me set u straight. We get along great hell we dont even argue we have no secrets I know EVERYTHING! Its time for everyone to grow up n move on we have so u all need 2 leave it alone maybe u all luv livin in DRAMAVILLE but we like our quiet serenity so just give it up u are just amusing us and makin complete n total dumb shits out of yourselves those who are our TRUE friends and family know us best they see us as we are two imperfect people who love each other who make mistakes who laugh cry smile and hurt we do our best for our kids and each other even when others try to hinder our actions We dont give up or give in we grow up and go on those that see that and support that are the IMPORTANT ones everyone else are just like flies slightly annoying but otherwise unimportant and easily squashed so like I stated earlier if u arent true to us u truly dont exist to us MUAH XOXO LISSA
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=4#ixzz0wGSYAxUr
Getting it all out Written July 26 2009
Sometimes you just have to break free from it all....
So everyone whos been asking about Megan's cond I'm just gonna lay it all out for you & as things change I'll update as we go about our lives. It's not that I don't want to update you all personally but to be honest it's hard writing it over & over makes every moment all the more real. Megan has I-Cell Disease aka ML II. Her level is sev to mod there is no cure no treatment not even BMT is avail. The only opt. is to treat the following sx (if they have avail txs): corneal clouding, dental caries, gingival hyperplasia, mild MVR, mod AR, hepatomegaly, cardiomyopathy, joint contractures & restrictions, hernias, sleep apnea, CTS, ACM, vertebral body anomalies, severe kyphoscoliosis, dysostosis multiplex, macro glossia, anemia, gerd, bilat hip dysplasia, knock kneed, coarsening of her facial features. Her prognosis is not good stat. btw 4-6 yrs but no later than the 1st dec. She is not a stat. Moo is a beautiful lil girl who enjoys life & being a lil sis she loves to play & be a goof. We love her so much!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=5#ixzz0wGRsEz5h
So everyone whos been asking about Megan's cond I'm just gonna lay it all out for you & as things change I'll update as we go about our lives. It's not that I don't want to update you all personally but to be honest it's hard writing it over & over makes every moment all the more real. Megan has I-Cell Disease aka ML II. Her level is sev to mod there is no cure no treatment not even BMT is avail. The only opt. is to treat the following sx (if they have avail txs): corneal clouding, dental caries, gingival hyperplasia, mild MVR, mod AR, hepatomegaly, cardiomyopathy, joint contractures & restrictions, hernias, sleep apnea, CTS, ACM, vertebral body anomalies, severe kyphoscoliosis, dysostosis multiplex, macro glossia, anemia, gerd, bilat hip dysplasia, knock kneed, coarsening of her facial features. Her prognosis is not good stat. btw 4-6 yrs but no later than the 1st dec. She is not a stat. Moo is a beautiful lil girl who enjoys life & being a lil sis she loves to play & be a goof. We love her so much!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=5#ixzz0wGRsEz5h
Jealousy June 25 2009
I first had a blog here but after awhile I deleted it. I figured why bring up the past? Why not let sleeping dogs lie? I have grown from this experience. My marriage is actually better because of this experience. I realize that the love I share with my husband goes beyond petty people and their need to hurt others. I now know without a shadow of doubt just how much he loves me. Our staying together has nothing to do with our children. Because I offered a win/win solution to that issue. We are together because of the love that we share. Most people will never have to go thru the things we as a couple and us as parents have to go thru. I wouldn't wish our worst enemies to have to experience the inevitable loss of their child.
I do believe that people chose different outlets to deal with their grief. I choose to write. Matt chose a different path. A path that has tested our marriage. A path that 2 years ago I would have told people they were insane to even think he would do something like that. I was that confident in my marriage. I was that confident in my husband. I can honestly say I put him a pedastool. I know I shouldn't have but I did. The funny thing about a pedastool is eventually things get knocked off. Either it's broken beyond repair or you put it back together.
So that's what we did. We put a little crazy glue on us and fixed it. Later on down the road we had to add Gorilla glue just to be safe.
I realize that I had my share of the blame. I think I subtly pushed him away. I turned a blind eye to the problems because I was trying to deal with my own loss. I just found out that I wouldn't get to see my baby grow up and experience life. I think thats when I started pushing everyone but Rebecca and Megan away. I figured if they weren't around me by my own choosing then I wouldn't be hurt if they ever decided to leave my by their choosing. Childish I know but I think I'm entitled to act like a child when I feel like it.
So That's why this blog has changed. I'm a grown up and the words before no matter how true they were, they were just a reminder of the past that I am putting behind me.
Til next time HUGS LISSA GRACE!!!
To those that aren't aware of the original blog and are just curious let me know I can share it with you.
I do believe that people chose different outlets to deal with their grief. I choose to write. Matt chose a different path. A path that has tested our marriage. A path that 2 years ago I would have told people they were insane to even think he would do something like that. I was that confident in my marriage. I was that confident in my husband. I can honestly say I put him a pedastool. I know I shouldn't have but I did. The funny thing about a pedastool is eventually things get knocked off. Either it's broken beyond repair or you put it back together.
So that's what we did. We put a little crazy glue on us and fixed it. Later on down the road we had to add Gorilla glue just to be safe.
I realize that I had my share of the blame. I think I subtly pushed him away. I turned a blind eye to the problems because I was trying to deal with my own loss. I just found out that I wouldn't get to see my baby grow up and experience life. I think thats when I started pushing everyone but Rebecca and Megan away. I figured if they weren't around me by my own choosing then I wouldn't be hurt if they ever decided to leave my by their choosing. Childish I know but I think I'm entitled to act like a child when I feel like it.
So That's why this blog has changed. I'm a grown up and the words before no matter how true they were, they were just a reminder of the past that I am putting behind me.
Til next time HUGS LISSA GRACE!!!
To those that aren't aware of the original blog and are just curious let me know I can share it with you.
The Wonders Written June 19th 2009
I had no signposts to follow back then. I had no idea what to do or who to turn to. Worst of all was the crushing sense of isolation, the feeling that I was the only one going through it and that no one could possibly understand.
— Anne Ford in "Laughing Allegra"
I wonder what my life would be like without you here to share it with What would it feel like to no longer give you your good morning kiss What would it be like to never hear your infectious laugh or gaze upon your beautiful smile What would the world be like without you to make it all worthwhile I wonder how we all would cope how would we all get along for part of me thinks that you have this marvelous strength that keeps all of us to stay strong Who would your sister be if you didnt make it through what would her fave color be would she make it blue for you What about your Daddy "Deer" could he still be tough i know just thoughts of losing his lil fred and woosaw makes sleep rough I cant imagine never hoiding you never touching your little hand never dreaming for you or fighting for you as only a momma can I dont like to dream of a future for you because a future without you would be cold so I only dream of the present for you the one we so delicately hold I will always wonder about you Moo You hold a third of my heart so I will keep tightly to you until with Angels you depart
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=5#ixzz0wGQE3c00
— Anne Ford in "Laughing Allegra"
I wonder what my life would be like without you here to share it with What would it feel like to no longer give you your good morning kiss What would it be like to never hear your infectious laugh or gaze upon your beautiful smile What would the world be like without you to make it all worthwhile I wonder how we all would cope how would we all get along for part of me thinks that you have this marvelous strength that keeps all of us to stay strong Who would your sister be if you didnt make it through what would her fave color be would she make it blue for you What about your Daddy "Deer" could he still be tough i know just thoughts of losing his lil fred and woosaw makes sleep rough I cant imagine never hoiding you never touching your little hand never dreaming for you or fighting for you as only a momma can I dont like to dream of a future for you because a future without you would be cold so I only dream of the present for you the one we so delicately hold I will always wonder about you Moo You hold a third of my heart so I will keep tightly to you until with Angels you depart
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/imaarmysoldierswife/blog?page=5#ixzz0wGQE3c00
Friday, January 9, 2009
The Great American Childhood......
Okay so usually I have a quote of the day that I start off with but this subject has been on my mind lately.
Looking back at my childhood. From the age of 4 (which is my earliest real memory) till I was 18 I guess I lived a pretty sheltered life. I knew what drugs where. I knew that saying NO! was what was expected of me. (Sorry to the parentals when you read this) I also knew that experimenting was going to be the only way that I would say no if Saying NO was the right thing to do. So that's what I did, I experimented. But not with the hard core stuff that is around now. To this day I could not tell you what Meth even looks like. Does that make me naive? Or just plain stupid. I remember my first Rx for pain meds. MAN did that mess with my head or what?!?! BUT the thought never crossed my mind to take it for anything else other than for pain. Actual pain. Not the pain I thought could come but the pain I had in the here and now. I never thought to use it as an excuse or to get through a tough time in my life. The concept to me was never there. Now a days in the rural town where I live. The town I am now raising my children in, there are no more talk of pot. Not the smell of a joint burning. No sick sweet smelling aroma. No I look around now and see people who literally look like their face is going to rot off (Meth). Or they look so blitzed that you'd have to be really dumb, really blind, really high, or really Fenian not to see it. Even little ol me know what streets to go down to get the good stuff. So if I can see it and I can't do nothing about it what about my little girls. In 4 years Rebecca will be the same age I was the first time I tried anything. That scares the shit out of me. Do I want my baby to turn in to the people I see every time I walk into the gas station or the grocery store? It's so bad that when I go to Moo's kindergarten pick up I know which parents are on and which ones are off, and which ones never ever touched the stuff. If I can see, why can't society? Why aren't the police, who are supposed to protect and serve, getting this shit off the streets? Don't tell me that cigarettes and alcohol are the same. I know that Nicotine is a drug. And the smoke causes cancer. I know that alcohol is a drug, and it causes cirrhosis of the liver. I know that pot cause cancer and loss of brain cells. Please don't criticize me I know this. But I also know that in many states all three somewhat are legal.
What I do know is that time and time again, I see people sell their food stamps for pills. I see little kids who are hungry. I see kids whose only real meal come M-F. They get breakfast and lunch and that's only because the school provides for free. I see people who would spend their last dime on percs (percocet) and let there baby go with out diapers. It disgusts me! And it breaks my heart. I would give my last breath for my children. I would never put my wants and needs above theirs. How can people do this. I used to love this town. I used to love being able to walk out the door without locking it. I used to feel safe with my kids playing outside. Not anymore. Not when the fear is out there walking and lurking in the shadows. The fear of drugs and what they have done to my little one horse town. The fear of strangers not stealing my child but stealing from my child to feed there own habit. I hide Megans meds in my house. There is only one other person who knows where they are. I don't trust anyone else anymore.
When those that you love would steal food from your fridge but sell their food stamps to feed there habit. Would you trust anyone? How could you? I feel like piss testing all the parents at the school just to see if they would pass. How many do you think would? There are roughly 70 kindergartners at Peebles Elementary. I would say that maybe 25 would pass and that's including myself.
I am afraid for my children's childhood. I know that they can never have it the way I had it. I know that they will experiment. It's human nature. You tell someone the stove is hot they don't believe you till they blister. I also know that when the days comes I will have the talk with my children about Saying No. And praying that if they do try it they find they don't like it. Because if they do like well I will try my damnedest they don't end up like everyone else.
Looking back at my childhood. From the age of 4 (which is my earliest real memory) till I was 18 I guess I lived a pretty sheltered life. I knew what drugs where. I knew that saying NO! was what was expected of me. (Sorry to the parentals when you read this) I also knew that experimenting was going to be the only way that I would say no if Saying NO was the right thing to do. So that's what I did, I experimented. But not with the hard core stuff that is around now. To this day I could not tell you what Meth even looks like. Does that make me naive? Or just plain stupid. I remember my first Rx for pain meds. MAN did that mess with my head or what?!?! BUT the thought never crossed my mind to take it for anything else other than for pain. Actual pain. Not the pain I thought could come but the pain I had in the here and now. I never thought to use it as an excuse or to get through a tough time in my life. The concept to me was never there. Now a days in the rural town where I live. The town I am now raising my children in, there are no more talk of pot. Not the smell of a joint burning. No sick sweet smelling aroma. No I look around now and see people who literally look like their face is going to rot off (Meth). Or they look so blitzed that you'd have to be really dumb, really blind, really high, or really Fenian not to see it. Even little ol me know what streets to go down to get the good stuff. So if I can see it and I can't do nothing about it what about my little girls. In 4 years Rebecca will be the same age I was the first time I tried anything. That scares the shit out of me. Do I want my baby to turn in to the people I see every time I walk into the gas station or the grocery store? It's so bad that when I go to Moo's kindergarten pick up I know which parents are on and which ones are off, and which ones never ever touched the stuff. If I can see, why can't society? Why aren't the police, who are supposed to protect and serve, getting this shit off the streets? Don't tell me that cigarettes and alcohol are the same. I know that Nicotine is a drug. And the smoke causes cancer. I know that alcohol is a drug, and it causes cirrhosis of the liver. I know that pot cause cancer and loss of brain cells. Please don't criticize me I know this. But I also know that in many states all three somewhat are legal.
What I do know is that time and time again, I see people sell their food stamps for pills. I see little kids who are hungry. I see kids whose only real meal come M-F. They get breakfast and lunch and that's only because the school provides for free. I see people who would spend their last dime on percs (percocet) and let there baby go with out diapers. It disgusts me! And it breaks my heart. I would give my last breath for my children. I would never put my wants and needs above theirs. How can people do this. I used to love this town. I used to love being able to walk out the door without locking it. I used to feel safe with my kids playing outside. Not anymore. Not when the fear is out there walking and lurking in the shadows. The fear of drugs and what they have done to my little one horse town. The fear of strangers not stealing my child but stealing from my child to feed there own habit. I hide Megans meds in my house. There is only one other person who knows where they are. I don't trust anyone else anymore.
When those that you love would steal food from your fridge but sell their food stamps to feed there habit. Would you trust anyone? How could you? I feel like piss testing all the parents at the school just to see if they would pass. How many do you think would? There are roughly 70 kindergartners at Peebles Elementary. I would say that maybe 25 would pass and that's including myself.
I am afraid for my children's childhood. I know that they can never have it the way I had it. I know that they will experiment. It's human nature. You tell someone the stove is hot they don't believe you till they blister. I also know that when the days comes I will have the talk with my children about Saying No. And praying that if they do try it they find they don't like it. Because if they do like well I will try my damnedest they don't end up like everyone else.
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