Jealousy June 25 2009

I first had a blog here but after awhile I deleted it. I figured why bring up the past? Why not let sleeping dogs lie? I have grown from this experience. My marriage is actually better because of this experience. I realize that the love I share with my husband goes beyond petty people and their need to hurt others. I now know without a shadow of doubt just how much he loves me. Our staying together has nothing to do with our children. Because I offered a win/win solution to that issue. We are together because of the love that we share. Most people will never have to go thru the things we as a couple and us as parents have to go thru. I wouldn't wish our worst enemies to have to experience the inevitable loss of their child.

I do believe that people chose different outlets to deal with their grief. I choose to write. Matt chose a different path. A path that has tested our marriage. A path that 2 years ago I would have told people they were insane to even think he would do something like that. I was that confident in my marriage. I was that confident in my husband. I can honestly say I put him a pedastool. I know I shouldn't have but I did. The funny thing about a pedastool is eventually things get knocked off. Either it's broken beyond repair or you put it back together.

So that's what we did. We put a little crazy glue on us and fixed it. Later on down the road we had to add Gorilla glue just to be safe.

I realize that I had my share of the blame. I think I subtly pushed him away. I turned a blind eye to the problems because I was trying to deal with my own loss. I just found out that I wouldn't get to see my baby grow up and experience life. I think thats when I started pushing everyone but Rebecca and Megan away. I figured if they weren't around me by my own choosing then I wouldn't be hurt if they ever decided to leave my by their choosing. Childish I know but I think I'm entitled to act like a child when I feel like it.

So That's why this blog has changed. I'm a grown up and the words before no matter how true they were, they were just a reminder of the past that I am putting behind me.

Til next time HUGS LISSA GRACE!!!

To those that aren't aware of the original blog and are just curious let me know I can share it with you.